


i want to know, be known

by safestorms



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Implied/Referenced Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 16:20:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16099298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/safestorms/pseuds/safestorms
Summary: Even as she says the words, she knows that while it’s true that he isn’t entitled to the story of her life; that it’s not his right as her lover to have access to every part of her, any relationship that’s worthwhile depends on her opening herself up.A post-s3 exploration of Naomi and Holden's conversation in 3x05 (Triple Point): "...you don't really know me and it's not your fault."





	i want to know, be known

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to S for looking this over and giving me feedback during the initial drafting stage! Any mistakes are all mine. Title taken from Jeanann Verlee's poem "Your Mouth is a Church, I Forgot How to Pray."

 

 

 

>   _\- It's almost funny to say this after everything that we've been through, but you don't really know me, and it's not your fault._
> 
> _\- Why didn't you tell me?  
>  _
> 
> _-I don't know. I just couldn't._
> 
> _"Triple Point" 3x05_

 

Naomi can only seem to parcel information about herself out in bits and pieces.

*

When they come back from the _Behemoth_ , Holden knocks on the door to her cabin. He stands on the threshold, looking tentative. “What you said to me before, how I don’t really know you. It’s true, I don’t know your past. But, I know who you are right now. You’re Naomi Nagata, the woman with the biggest heart I know.”

His words send a flood of warmth rushing through her. “I’m not sorry for not telling you earlier. I don’t owe you my history.” Even as she says the words, she knows that while it’s true that he isn’t entitled to the story of her life; that it’s not his right as her lover to have access to every part of her, any relationship that’s worthwhile depends on her opening herself up. Being vulnerable. Exposed. Which is something she was never fully able to do with him.

He nods. “I don’t know all of you. But _I know you_ . I thought I didn’t know who you were  anymore, that I didn’t know a Naomi who could have withheld such a big secret from me when you first told me about what you did with the protomolecule. How you could have done _that_ to me.” His voice shudders then, a painful intake of breath. “But then, I realized, it was my fault. That _I_ had refused to see all of you. To hear what you were saying. How important it was to you. I was too caught up in Eros, in getting rid of the protomolecule, I didn't listen to you about how it was something that we couldn’t stop. To let you speak your truth.”  

It’s everything she’s wanted to hear and more since she’d first told him about the protomolecule. It’s what she’d dreamed of on nights spent alone in her bunk on the _Behemoth_. “Thank you.”

She loves how deliberately and carefully he puts together his words as he looks searchingly at her, voice earnest and sincere, heavy with the weight of his feelings. He says them slow like what he has to say is important, like _she_ is important. Like they’re - she’s- worth taking his time for. “As for the rest... about your child, it’s not something that you ever have to tell me. But I  want you to know that you don’t have to be ashamed of the parts you couldn’t show me. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to hide it.”

She takes his face in her hands then, kisses every part of him she can reach. Trying to do with her mouth on his skin what it couldn’t do with words before. Remembers when they’d first begun in the airlock, how her kisses had meant _welcome_ , her body inviting him in. Now they’re more like declarations, _you are precious to me_ . “I know I’m not at fault for not telling you. But that doesn’t mean that you made me feel like I couldn’t. _I_ was the one who was too afraid and ashamed to let you in. But I do.  Want to. And someday...I hope I can.”

He smiles at her then and she loves how it takes up his whole face, how every muscle in it moves, even the ones near his eyes, crinkling at the corners. “I love you,” he says. “I know how hard it must be for you to trust again, after what happened to you.”

*

After that, he sends her random messages, one for every day she was gone on the _Behemoth_ .

_We can never fully know another person and it would be wrong of me to claim to know all of you. To know you better than you know yourself. But even though you couldn’t tell me things, you still gave me truths about yourself. These are all the things you showed me, that you let me know about you. Thank you for letting me know you in these ways._

_I know that you like going for a run first thing in the morning._

The message pops up on her hand terminal just as she’s stretching her legs, getting ready for her morning run. 

 _I know the things you like me to do to you in bed, what you sound like when you come_ .

This when she comes back from a long day’s work on repairs for the _Roci_. The words send a hot thrill of desire through her, her fingers sliding beneath the waistband of her pants and she strokes herself, remembering the feeling of his mouth on her. She comes, gasping, aching for him.

The last message comes when she’s lying on his bunk while he’s taking a shower. _I know you’re the woman who kept me grounded when my head was spinning with Eros._  

God he’s such a fucking romantic, just like another man she’d known. Difference was that man had claimed to know her better than she’d known herself. _I know you, Naomi_ hanging over her like a gun to her head. _I know you don’t actually want to do this, you don’t want to leave me_ . She’d gotten so confused between what were _his_ wants and what was hers. Who she was that wasn’t the parts he’d made her into. It’d taken her months to reclaim all the pieces of herself. She knows better now than to give any part of herself away to another man. The choreography of intimacy is one that she's still navigating, her and Holden, but maybe now with him she can give without giving away or giving up herself. Maybe now she can share.

Growing up, all Belter girls learn that knowledge is inextricably linked to power, to security and safety. What your enemy knows about you gives them power over you. She's learned all too well that anyone can be your enemy; that men who present themselves as trustworthy can break you. Refusing to give away information about yourself is often the smart thing to do. But maybe she doesn't want to, can't live and be a fortress forever. She  _knows_ Holden and she trusts in her knowledge that he won't be like  _him._  Maybe, letting yourself know and be known by someone who loves you and who you love, is its own power too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Feedback is very much appreciated. I'm unsure about this fic.


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